First things first - The Rules:
Display The Sunshine Blogger Award on the post
Thank who nominated you, and provide a link to their blog
Answer their questions
Write some questions for your nominees to answer
Nominate some folks
Trigger warning: abuse / domestic violence / suicidal ideation.
I have selected the questions from your nomination, and provided answers which will give you a further idea of what it’s like inside my web… you’ll also realise I can’t follow rules as my answers stray from the parameters of the question.
Why do you write?
At first, I wrote because I needed to survive. It was a way to channel the unkempt and chaotic thoughts in my head. I wasn’t diagnosed with AuADHD until I was in my forties, so I never understood why I spent so long in my head and why that place felt so much more real than real life, especially as a child.
So I created new worlds, and I processed what I was feeling. It really helped, and I found escaping into literature helped me make the world make sense. Later, as an adult, it was also a way to carve out a space that was mine.
My relationships were incredibly abusive; I endured a great deal of physical, mental, and sexual abuse. Writing gave me an outlet where I could express my thoughts and helped me find a purpose and reason to keep living. I spent many years wishing I wasn’t. But, my characters could experience the escape I dreamed of, and though I had partners who destroyed my work, I was able to capture some later and began the process of translating those expressions of anger and despair into a more cohesive story. It’s why I have so many strong female characters, but also why I write about so many dark themes.
I think there’s power in reclaiming the things which tried to break you.
What is your favourite project, or soon to be project?
This is such a tough question! I think my favourite is always the one I’m working on, so it’ll change. And, of course, I absolutely adore the short pieces I create here - which I intend to use in another form in the future (my book of ideas is… busy!).
But… I’ll always love my Elemental Pentology because it was how I could convey my view of the world, and the story and characters I created there are - in many ways - the foundation for all my others.
The Menagerie will also always be important because it contains many pieces I wrote during the years of abuse or directly afterward. Some of the pieces in there are incredibly personal.
While Vore (my current work in progress) is proving to be a whole heap of fun, and will definitely be a favourite too, I think the work I’m most satisfied by and feel strongest about is Path To The Dark Moon.
Path To The Dark Moon is my fictional autobiography (condensed, toned down, and with the addition of the Goddess Lilith and God Samael… but, the core of it… yeah, it’s my story). The assaults Matilda endures, I did. And more. Writing that book was difficult, really difficult, but knowing how the book ends kept me going. It was intensely cathartic. The story will break you, as a reader, but then it will put you back together. It damn near broke me writing it and I only made it through because I had good friends who pulled me out of a very dark spiral.
If there is one place you could visit, where would it be?
Real world, Russia. My surname is Russian, but I’ve never been and I’d love to visit some of the places which mean a lot to me.
If we’re talking fantasy world, then I’d love to visit the places I’ve set my books - and while they’re grounded in real places, the estates I created are not. I’d love to be able to wander around the homes I built for my characters and see how they look in ‘real life’.
Oh, and of course, the portal world I created for the Pentology is a must too - even if that place is brutal!
If you could be any fantasy creature, what would it be?
I think I need to create a hybrid - a dragon phoenix. An phogon? A draenix? Not sure, but a fire-breathing, long-feathery-tailed, scaled in part, with wicked eyes and sharp teeth, sharp claws, strong winged, and shiny-trinket hoarder capable of recreating themselves from ashes… yeah, I like the sound of that.
What is your favourite book, movie, or work of art?
Not a movie, but Sense8 is an exceptional piece of television - the concept, the execution, the way the story develops. It is incredible. Likewise, Orphan Black, BladeRunner (the original), and The Matrix.
Books, this may seem clichéd but House of Leaves ruined me as a teenager and completely changed my approach to writing. It is a stunning piece of literature and I think everyone should try read it at least once.
Of course, it would be remiss of me to omit Dostoevsky, Poe, and also The Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon, which are also hugely important to me.
I want to also make an honourable mention to Sleep Token’s entire discography because that is also a work of art. Musically, visually, the themes, lore, and delivery are things which have also inspired me and kept me alive. (I have a playlist dedicated to their music, in chronological order, should you wish to listen.)
My nominees (in alphabetical order) are:
If you’ve already taken part, no worries! But, if you’d like to answer, please do 🖤
And the questions for your consideration (you can answer as many as you wish, but ideally three or more):
What inspires your writing?
Where is your favourite location to write?
What is a skill you wished you had?
If you could meet your characters, would you survive? And if you do, how do you manage to do it?
Your creative piece is being adapted for the screen, will it be a movie or a series, and who are the actors?
What is your favourite animal - real or not?
What is a the strangest character you’ve created?
With thanks, again, to
for the nomination 🖤🌻🖤It was great to receive the notification I’d been listed, and fun to think about what the answers to these questions would be.
Go check out their page!
Thank you, you've made a meaningful connection, and it will continue to grow. I appreciate this article and its various arguments; I love it.
This is great! I’m sorry that you had to endure such things and thank you for sharing that.